Two young people were settled under a tree.
"I find the summer holidays so boring after a while," said one of them, the one named Miranda. "2 or 3 weeks, fine, but a month and a half is awfully long,"
"Oh, we'll end up in some adventure or something," said the other one, known as Jodie. "Over the past school year, we've ended up in gaol, had to stop an evil man, survived 2 avalanches with a handsome farmer..."
"I hope you're not getting any ideas," said Miranda, quickly.
"No, no. We've ended up in a stranded bus, a kidnap attempt, and just last term we had 15 adventures,"
"16, if you count the one with the random cow," said Miranda.
"Well, we don't exactly avoid adventures," said Jodie.
"Why did you stick to the name Jodie, anyway? You were just about to change to Sammy,"
"I know, but I'm too used to being Jodie, coz it's who I am,"
"You're a plebian,"
"You're a bigger plebian,"
"I'm not the one who made up the song 'Bananas are so yummy, they are for tea,'"
"Well, I'm not the one who split her head against a radiator,"
"Well, I'm not the one who stuck her fingers in the butter,"
"And I'm not the one who fancies George Bush!"
"You win," said Sophie, unwillingly.
Miranda smiled evilly. "Thanks," she said, and went off.
A man hid in the forest. He had to do it, and do it soon. He hated his job, dammed Mamma.
"Excuse me ladies, do either of you know of a Miss M J Entwhistle or a J S H J M Bakewell? A J Kingsley is looking for them. He is their uncle, or so I have heard,"
2 of the so-called "ladies" stopped walking and giggled, but the third one did not.
"Him! Our uncle?"
"That complete [censored word - begins with F and ends with ing] loser?"
"I assure you, sir, that neither of these girls is related to a Jacob Kingsley, as is the case with everyone I know,"
The man gave a thanks and moved on.
"What an idiot! As if Jacob Kingsley is our uncle!"
"What - do you two know the bloke?" asked Sophie, curiously.
The two girls laughed ever louder.
"Oh, shut the [censored word - begins with F] up and tell me who the [censored word - begins with F] he is!"
"He's evil," said Miranda. "He murdered someone and put the blame on someone else, just because he had a grudge against the sister of the accused,"
"Yeah, I am sure that he has not come out of prison legally," said Jodie. "He's sure to have done a bribe or escaped,"
"It only makes the situation more serious," said Sophie. "If you're the ones who provided evidence against the man, he'll really hate you. He is a known murderer,"
The two girls were malingering in the village the next day.
"What's that noise?" asked Miranda, hearing a noise.
"It's familiar," said Jodie. "Let's go find the source,"
The girls headed towards the source of the noise. They found a box.
"Oh, of course," said Jodie, slapping her forehead. "It's the TARDIS!"
"The what?" asked Miranda, peering at the box.
"The TARDIS," said Jodie. "Stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space. It's bigger on the inside and has pit stops in Cardiff. But then, where's the Doctor?"
"Exactly," said Jodie. "He's this Time Lord who's about 900 years old. He has two hearts and he can change his face... and shoe size,"
"Have you bagged a doctor already?" said Miranda, amused.
"Oh, hi, Doctor!" Jodie said. (To the Doctor, obviously)
"Oh, hi, Jodie," he said.
"Doctor, you know you promised me that you would come and help me if I had any problems and all of that?"
"Errmm... yes," he said, unwillingly.
"So - where - the - bloody - hell - were - you - a - year - ago?"
"Jodie!" Miranda said.
"Can't it wait?" Jodie said. "So where were you?" she asked the Doctor.
"Jodie! We have no time for this!" yelled Miranda.
"We have plenty of time!" Jodie said.
"Kingsley, Jacob Kingsley, is coming down the road!"
"Oh, sh-" Jodie started, but was dragged into the TARDIS by Miranda. The Doctor followed.
"You... you actually meant it when you said it was bigger on the inside?"
They were standing in the TARDIS.
"Who's this Jacob Kingsley?" asked the Doctor.
Jodie explained all that had happened last summer holidays, assisted by Miranda, while the Doctor fiddled with knobs and buttons, and the noise they had heard earlier started again.
"Where are we going?"
"Barcelona. Not the city Barcelona, but the planet Barcelona,"
"Doctor, not Barcelona," Jodie said. "Please?"
"A planet called Barcelona?" Miranda said.
"It's got dogs with no noses," said Jodie.
"????" said Miranda.
"Never mind," said Jodie. "Doctor, where are we going?"
"Switzerland, 1950s," the Doctor said.
"Phone!" said Jodie, and she picked up her phone.
"Oh, has it?" asked Jodie. "Oh, I'm with an old friend, and an old enemy of yours is around. .....Yeah, I saw him. .....Right, I'll come ASAP,"
"Was that your dad?" asked Miranda. "How did he call you?"
"The Doctor updated my phone," said Jodie. "Can we go there, like, now?"
"Right," said the Doctor. "Hang on,"
The TARDIS appeared in the middle of a sitting-room.
"What the hell?" said someone. "What is that?"
"No idea. Is it dangerous? Should we leave?"
The door to the TARDIS opened.
"Hi, Mum, Dad," Jodie said.
"What the hell is that thing?"
"It's the TARDIS,"
"The what?" said Jodie's dad.
"The TARDIS. T-A-R-D-I-S. Stands for Time And Relative Dimension In Space,"
"Oh, thank you for telling everyone," said the Doctor, sarcastically.
The front door rang. Jodie's dad checked who it was through the window.
"Right, can we go on that thing?"
"You mean, may we," said 3 voices.
"Alright," said the Doctor. " Just don't touch anything,"
The TARDIS landed in Switzerland, very near a school in construction, not too far but not too near the Chalet School.
"Ooh, a new school," said Jodie. "Lets hope that this time they won't be forced to bow down to us or change everything about themselves to make them a mini CS,"
"Lets hope that they'll change the Chalet School's ideas," Miranda said. "I'd really love it if we weren't forced to dance, like it was in the Dark Ages,"
"Where are we going to stay?" said Jodie.
"Doctor? You're here? Are you back for me?" said a woman.
"Oh, heck," murmured Miranda. "It's Miss Jameson, the evilest PT teacher of them all. Not that the others aren't evil,"
"Who the bloody hell are you lot? Where's my Doctor?"
The Doctor was the most noticeable of the group, but she completely passed him over.
"She doesn't know he can regenerate," said Jodie. "Must have seen him on one adventure then he disappeared off,"
The TARDIS landed in various places over the next part of the timelines of those in it.
One day they were rambling around in England somewhere.
"Oh, look, it's that Jodie girl," called a girl.
"She's still a fat cow, even now," another said.
"Probably still a useless [beep],"
The comments went on and on. Miranda got angrier and angrier, however, Jodie didn't take the slightest notice. It was as if they weren't there.
"Ignore them, Mirrie," muttered Jodie. "They're not worth it,"
"But they're insulting you, Jode. We don't do that back at the Chalet School," Miranda said.
"Doesn't matter," Jodie said. "We're better than them,"
The girls blocked the path. "Whatcha gonna do now, sunshine?" the leader said.
"This," Miranda said, and she elbowed the girl around the face.
Before the girl could recover, Miranda locked the girls arm. It was done with so much swiftness it had left Jodie amazed.
"How... what..." she said, awestruck.
"I read an online drabble and then practised on my brother when he got unbearable," Miranda said. "Whatcha gonna do now, sunshine?" she asked the girl cruelly.
"Surrender," she said.
Jacob Kingsley was patrolling the streets. He was looking out for those girls who had foiled him, that man who had that sister who was a *****.
He was getting irritated. None of them had shown their faces in the village, as per usual. He was hanging around near the place that he thought they'd show up.
"Hey," said that girl, who he fancied.
"Hi," he said.
"I have something to say to you," his heart beat faster.
"Leave my house alone and go linger around somewhere else!"
And she slapped him. It hurt. He had not expected that that girl would do such a thing. He left.
"What the hell is that noise?" said the girl, and she left the scene.
The TARDIS appeared right there.
Miranda and Jodie were halfway to their homes when they suddenly appeared in a dungeon.
"How the bloody hell did that happen?" Miranda asked, shocked.
"Teleportation," Jodie said, quietly. "Similar to time-travel, only it just takes you to a different place, not a different time as well,"
"Are you okay?"
Miranda looked around the room. There was a massive sign, saying "Evil plan to take over the world,"
"Not very subtle, is he?" Miranda asked. "Now, since we're the main objects in this plan, how do we get out?"
"With a lazy plot solution," Jodie replied, lazily.
"What lazy plot solution?" asked Miranda.
Jodie moved a small rug. There was, as always, a hole.
"Oh, not a hole, we've had them, like, in 12 adventures already," Miranda wailed. "Couldn't it have been something more original?"
"Maybe this writer has a thing for them," said Jodie, sticking her legs in the hole, and slipping down it.
"How long does this tunnel have to go for?" asked Miranda.
"We're out of the village now, for sure,"
"Well, there's a trapdoor here, we can see where we are,"
They went out and found themselves in another place.
"That's my sisters friends, Vanna Avery and Nessa Clickworth. Don't recognise the other two though,"
The other two looked very different to each other. One looked very business-like, with tidy blonde hair, and tidy clothes. The other was wearing casual, and rather messy clothes, with messy black hair. Behind her ear, she sported some bush.
Vanna, Nessa, Emma, and Marina were discussing something.
"I don't believe it," said Marina, fiddling with her bush.
"What, that old thing? Cake is the best thing in the whole wide world,"
"What has gone into all of your brains, all three of you? Cake is okay, but there are better things to be obsessed about. What have you been eating?"
"We bought and ate some cake. You weren't there,"
"Pi is much better. It's a number,"
"You three have turned into... into... cake zombies!"
"The cake is a lie,"
"Portal reference," murmured Jodie, triumphantly.
Miranda said nothing.
Teasing Marina was fun, but they did soon have to stop. Or rather, Nessa saw the pair and came out of character.
"Hiya!" she called. "How come you came here?"
"TARDIS, Teleport, hole, secret passage," Miranda summed up.
"It's amazing you haven't ended up in the middle of a game," Vanna said. "Gaol, the TARDIS, secret passages, in huts, stranded buses, and inside a dragons cave!"
"Oh, I forgot about Firiana," said Jodie, who then got out her dragon-summoning whistle, and blew it.
A dragon appeared. It was covered with red scales, and its eyes were blood-red. It had long teeth and its wings were massive.
"Firiana!" exlaimed Miranda, as the grass slightly flamed.
Firiana settled down on the grass that was on fire, and put it out. Jodie went up to the dragon, and clambered on.
"Mirrie, come on,"
"You really are an expert with everything," said Miranda, climbing up. "Alien technology, Dragons, and random cows,"
"The random cow adventure? That was a vampire cow, you know,"
"You see? Expert,"
They landed somewhere, and waved bye to the dragon.
"Okay, so where are we?" said Miranda.
"In the middle of a field," Jodie said. "Let's go somewhere else,"
They walked. And walked. And ran. Then they walked a bit more, before coming to a farmers house with the traditional Chalet School nice farmer and wife who are only too happy to help. They were shown round the building by the son of the farmer, a lad younger than the two girls.
"I would love to be a doctor," was his main catchphrase.
With him the girls had lots of on-going conversation, detailing all of the girls adventures with a relish. He asked them to talk about their school.
"Welcome to this documentary about the Chalet School, where we will discover many aspects of the Chalet Girls,"
"It is early in the morning, and the girls are going on a short ramble. The girls have to have humongous amounts of exercise, because of all of the cream cakes that are a large part of their diet,"
"In the afternoons, many of the mistresses go 'doctor-hunting'. They go to watch the Sanatorium and decide a doctor for one of the group to marry. She then tries to find a way to get to know him before engaging and marrying. The most favoured way is to fake a near-death experience when said doctor is around. He then has the honour of saving her and they marry,"
"Our main study, however, is of a certain type of Chaletian. Our researcher, Matilda Edwards, has spent masses of time with one of this type. She says:"
"There is probably only one of this kind - and thank God for that!"
"This type is always entertaining other Chaletians, who grumble and moan behind her back. This type is very attracted to the colour of lime-green, and has the most outdated hairstyle anyone has ever seen in the previous millennium. It is probably most well-known for its good breeding - it has had 8 pregnancies but 16 kids. However, none of them are, and I quote Matilda Edwards,"
"Anything like the mother in most respects - and thank God for that!"
The young lad was unsmiling as he showed them the cellar. There was a flash of lime-green light.
"Now Jacob Kingsley owes me 10,000 quid," the lad said.
"Okay, so, where are we now?" Miranda said. "Jodie?"
There was no reply. Jodie wasn't anywhere around.
"Jodie? Jodie Bakewell?"
"A-ha!" came the tones Miranda dreaded the most. "Finally I've got you separated! I don't give much of a stuff about you, it's your friend I want the most. But, with you here, she will come, and then I can have the pleasure of finishing you off for good..."
"Let me go, Kingsley!" Miranda yelled.
"Oh, but it's too late for that, Entwhistle. If you want me, I am off to find your friend... and my true beloved,"
Miranda moved towards Jacob Kingsley.
"If you come one step nearer I will shoot," Jacob said, taking out his revolver.
Miranda stopped and glared at Jacob Kingsley. There was a loud noise.
Jacob Kingsley turned to see the woman he loved burst through the trapdoor.
"And what did you mean by this?" she said, thrusting a piece of paper at him.
"Later, I've got one of the kids that defied me," he said.
"You said in the note to come ASAP," she said.
"I wanted to tell you that I love you, and you will be my bride,"
"I will not! I hate you, you horrid creep!"
"Don't reject me, my sweet,"
"I will always reject you,"
"How many times? I hate being called Phillippa, and I ask you to always call me Phil. You're so caught up in catching those two girls, for no purpose whatever. You need to learn to admit defeat,"
The trapdoor closed.
"I knew my plan of diversion would work," said Phil, gleefully. "Now you'll have to find her again,"
Jodie found herself somewhere. Cursing under her breath, she saw a dormitory, and no-one was taking the slightest notice of her. The dormitory itself consisted of 8 girls, including the dormy prefect.
Watching the girls undress was the last thing she needed, and Jodie walked away from the dormitory. What to do now she had no idea, except curse and curse at time-travel and all of the troubles it caused. However, she wormed her way to somewhere else. She went to the old school records.
The old school records recorded all the pupils of every year datewise, stating forms, the years prefects, each of the specific duties a pupil performed, any visitors, and all of the major events. There was a book dedicated to each year.
Jodie randomly opened a random book, and looked at it, not taking anything in, until something caught her eye.
"A Miranda Josephine Entwhistle (14 years and 3 months old) and a Jodie Samantha Hilary Jane Maria Bakewell (Also 14 years and 3 months old) joined our ranks after this incident. They went on the shopping trip to Spartz (detailed on p.g. 59), and disappeared in the battle against the Nazis. We do not know what happened to them, but it is widely believed that they were arrested by the Nazis and put in a concentration camp,"
"It's been here so long and yet we had no idea that we were even mentioned before our time. Yet I did just time-travel here, all the usual signs are in place,"
The next day Jodie decided to wander around the school. A lot of it was unfamiliar to her, like it was a different building altogether. Looking for a way out of the school and the time area, she felt invisible. She was glad of this.
"Hello, our glorious Head Girl," said a girl.
"Oh, don't remind me," the Head Girl said. "My parents are going on and on about how I should always keep to my studies, and not let prefectship get in the way of them. I doubt they'll want me to be HG, I don't want to be HG, but the Abbess is so insistent that I can do it. I don't know what to do,"
"Marilyn," said the girl. "Don't worry about it. Look, I'll tell the Abbess she made a mistake in choosing you for the prestigious role of HG,"
"No good," moaned Marilyn. "I tried to tell her about it but she would not listen,"
"She thinks you'll be good," said the girl. "Tell you what, you should be an example of how not to be a HG, if you're sure you can't do good,"
The girl was joking, but Marilyn took it seriously. "That sounds a good plan," she said. "Thanks, Mary-Lou,"
And she went off.
"Wait - I was only joking!" called Mary-Lou, but Marilyn had already left.
In the dungeon where Phil and Jacob were, a large argument was ensuing. Phil bashed on the trapdoor and it opened to reveal -
"You!" called Phil.
"Me," said the woman. "You're the same as ever,"
"Speak for yourself,"
"Oh, but, look at me, compared to you. You always pick the wrong side, there is no way you'll win this one,"
"Oh, I won't be the victor," grinned Phil.
"Well, darling, you are the most wonderful man that ever walked. I bet you're jealous that I've got him and you don't,"
"I know we are rivals, and will be, forever. That's the truth,"
"Yes, we will,"
"And wrecking Marilyn Evans's job is just what you wanted,"
"Philippa Craven, go to hell!"
"Mary Louise Trelawney, with pleasure!"
Jacob Kingsley twiddled some knobs, and Phil Craven was sent back in time.
"And there she will stay, forever," Jacob Kingsley said, and de-activated the machine. "It'll mean leaving the Jodie girl there, but so what?"
Meanwhile, Phil Craven grinned. Her plan had worked, and she was a step closer to her goal. Thankfully she had learned some tricks from the Doctor.
Jodie had spent plenty of time wandering around the school. Months and years had past, when she met Phil.
"Finally!" said Phil. "I have found you,"
"Hi," said Jodie. "I haven't grown a bit in all the years I have spent here,"
"Oh, it could have been more years," Phil said. "I think it is time for you to know about this type of time-travel,"
"Oh, yes?" Jodie said.
"First of all, it isn't time-travel. It just takes you to a place unaccessable by any other means. It shows you what has happened, and it's so realistic that none dispute it. However, it knows when you have somehow changed events, and any other events may have references to this, but no record is on Earth of it,"
"That's all I know," Phil said.
Silence reigned between the pair.
"But now Jacob Kingsley and his accomplice are being arrested, it's time to get you back,"
"Huh?" queried Jodie.
"Oh, me and Sophie Entwhistle have been texting each other. It was quite an accidental thing really, but Sophie, one day, panicked that she'd got a text from an anonymous source that said 'I am sorry,' It was from a boy she knew was working for Kingsley for lots of money, and knew exactly what it meant. She contacted me, I went to rescue her, after telling Soph to get the police. She has told me of the victory, and now we will go -"
She was disturbed by (what else?) a lime-green light that took them back.
"I think using the instruction manual worked this time," gloated a triumphant voice.
"Yes, dear," said Sophie, patting Miranda on the head absent-mindedly.
Jodie smiled. It was good to be back.