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To Mum,

Thanks for the letter you sent. It was nice to hear about my old friends.
The Chalet School is great, if a little old-fashioned. There's not much that is weird here, apart from the fact that good contenders for the school are not mentioned, but that's not that unusual.
There is another new girl in my form called Amber. She's alright, but there is something really unusual about her. There are periods where she seems to disappear completely, but I can see her. So can the Prefects and mistresses.
Have you ever heard of this happening?
I would like to write more, but I'm writing to both dad and Ellie, so I need to crack on with that.
Hopes everything is okay and so on.
From
Scar

P.S. You forgot to tell Bill she's an idiot.

***

To Scar,

I'm glad you're having a good time at the Chalet School, and that you're going to write to Ellie. She's your friend and is a bit upset that you haven't written to her as of yet.
This girl Amber is coming all invisible, you say? This happened to one of my classmates at my school, when I was there. She said that she was invisible on and off all of her life. But the only person in the class who could see her is now a teacher of the Tirol branch of the school you are at.
But do not let this get in the way of your task.
As for the trip on Ofsted you wrote about two letters ago, do any of your teachers watch Outnumbered? Because in one of the episodes Ben's headmaster says he's a bit peaky and perhaps he should take a couple of days off, on Ofsted inspection week.
As for me, some of my friends are coming round here and we're having a comedy afternoon, with DVDs of The Goodies, 'Allo 'Allo and The Inbetweeners. Meryl said she might get A Town Called Eureka, but she probably won't.
As for Amber, only those with responsibility over her or are generally responsible in their duties are ever going to see her in her invisible phase. At home you're very responsible, looking after your brothers and helping me with your sister.
Don't flap about it, I'm sure it's nothing.
From
Mum

P.S. If you need Bill telling she's an idiot, do it yourself.
P.P.S. Don't get into a war with Miss Parker, it's not worth it.
P.P.P.S. Mary is going to go to your Chalet School next term, apparently.
P.P.P.P.S. 10 is being forwarded to you. Take care of it.

***

To Mum,

I hate Miss Parker. What's worse, Emil from your workplace or her from my workplace?
[Omitted for *lack of* murderous thoughts]
What's a mobile phone, a PSP, Cystic Fibrosis, Harry Potter, George Bush, Barack Obama, Winston Churchill, the Nazis, Hitler (Who has only one ball apparently, was it a football, a netball, a tennis ball, a volleyball, a ping-pong ball, a disco ball, [Omitted because author doesn't want to be here forever]?), a privy, a little girls room, pregnancy [5 pages omitted] and sarcasm?
There's 2 new girls, Scarlett Chelsea Angela Robertson and Ambrose something or other. Scarlett Chelsea Angela has mentioned most of the above to me and I'm wondering if her head's on the right way round. Ambrose seems to disappear into thin air all the time and her initials are AMBER.
Scarlett Chelsea Angela is in a full-scale war with Miss Parker, over some surds problems, which, incidentally, she seems to think I was away for the first lesson. I told her I wasn't but she wasn't listening.
Hope the 26-lets are okay. Are they coming next term?
Oh, and, BTW, what's a portal? and what's Portal 2?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ruddy Scarlett Chelsea Angela.
Yours sincerely/faithfully/here/Killer snail

Elsie, your only singleton.

P.S. What's the rubber duck doing in your private bit?
P.P.S. Sorry for the P.S. I was writing 3 letters at the same time. What's asexual breeding?

***

To Elsie,

I loved your letter to me sent on that date. To reply, [15 pages omitted due to boringness] And I missed the internet, ask a mechanic or someone.
The surd thing bother about as much as possible, see if someone else was away.
The 26-lets are okay, but they aren't even old enough to go to a kindergarten. We're calling them Anika, Bethany, Candice, Delta, Edna, Felicity, Gillian, Harriette, Ioanna, Jennifer, Karma, Louise, Marina, Nancy, Orit, Pansy, Questa, Rhoda, Sally, Tanya, Uberta, Veronica, Warda, Ximena, Ysanne, and Zerlinda.
This is you - ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????????????????? multiplied by 999999999.
But if you want to find anything more out don't ask me as I'm too preoccupied with the 26-lets. They will go to your school as soon as they're old enough. But Christine, Carlotta, Constance and Clare are going next year.
Smile, because things could be a lot worse.
So it's good moaning to you.
So bye,
Your mother.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s Chocolate is the best thin in this world

***

To Dad,

Oh, no, not now! Please say it's a joke, a laugh. My common sense says it's true but I cannot believe it.
If you want me there to look after Tom, Dick and Harry, you only have to write to the school or phone them. If you hadn't sent me to boarding school I'd be with you already. It's so weird here, there are periods when I seem to disappear and only teachers, prefects and Scar seem to see me, or hear me. I swore once and no-one looked at me with wide eyes.
If you need me, you know where to find me.
All the best,
Amber.

***

Amber,
I don't know about looking after Tom, Dick and Harry, but we'll certainly need you here. I have contacted your school and I am going to collect you as soon as possible. In the meantime, keep your chin up, and keep your mind on other things if possible. We never know what's going to happen exactly, try to look on the bright side.
I'll get you this week some point, or if I don't have the time I'll get Angel from next door to get you.
Optimism, not pessimism.
Your Dad.



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